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新しい記事を書く事で広告が消せます。
--.--.-- -- --:--
Diary No.X+13 差不多就放假
要人命的考试结束后,又连着在外面忙着跑了几天,然后在家休养生息了几天.
就到了现在.这样的考试,这辈子都不想再尝试了.
每天吃饭睡觉走路坐车蹲坑都在背书的日子,真是够了.
每天就睡那么可怜的2,3个小时,可是连做梦都在想背到哪里了,
之前背过的东西还记不记得.吃饭时也是边往嘴里塞东西边脑子在背.
连老妈都说我疯了.可是有什么办法?学的就是这个,命就是这样.
真心诚心那什么三年轮转不要真的板上钉钉的施行,不然我真的好想想出国不要再回来了.
因为回来没有活路么,我回来干嘛?
等下老爸来接我去学校,参加个去医院前的培训,
诸如检体,心肺复苏,手术,心脏除颤之类的.
要在学校待一个星期
话说这边现在的天气是冰冻天!!但是还限电停电...要人命...
smasmaSP看完之后我就疯癫了...阿�弭ト�丽TOT拓桑好帅气TOT
等我回家来慢慢再写....老爸来电话叫我下楼了囧...
就到了现在.这样的考试,这辈子都不想再尝试了.
每天吃饭睡觉走路坐车蹲坑都在背书的日子,真是够了.
每天就睡那么可怜的2,3个小时,可是连做梦都在想背到哪里了,
之前背过的东西还记不记得.吃饭时也是边往嘴里塞东西边脑子在背.
连老妈都说我疯了.可是有什么办法?学的就是这个,命就是这样.
真心诚心那什么三年轮转不要真的板上钉钉的施行,不然我真的好想想出国不要再回来了.
因为回来没有活路么,我回来干嘛?
等下老爸来接我去学校,参加个去医院前的培训,
诸如检体,心肺复苏,手术,心脏除颤之类的.
要在学校待一个星期
话说这边现在的天气是冰冻天!!但是还限电停电...要人命...
smasmaSP看完之后我就疯癫了...阿�弭ト�丽TOT拓桑好帅气TOT
等我回家来慢慢再写....老爸来电话叫我下楼了囧...
2010.01.06 Wed 13:11
一年二度的催命进度表
09/12/28 9:00am---11:00am 中西医结合儿科学
09/12/29 2:20pm---4:20pm 中西医结合耳鼻喉学
09/12/30 9:00am---11:00am 中西医结合妇科学
09/12/31 2:20pm---4:20pm 温病学
09/12/29 2:20pm---4:20pm 中西医结合耳鼻喉学
09/12/30 9:00am---11:00am 中西医结合妇科学
09/12/31 2:20pm---4:20pm 温病学
2009.12.20 Sun 02:25
Diary No.X+12
最近胃越发差劲了,吃东西也痛,不吃也痛.没玩没了.弄得现在看见吃的都开始恐惧了.
虽然我想减肥,但是我不想得厌食症.我想要自己健健康康.至少看起来要是.
昨天下午去CET-6,在家里准备来准备去,结果还是忘了带手表.室友无语了.
考试之前明明有去卫生间,可是听力开始的时候就又开始想去嘘嘘.
从那之后满心想着早点写完交卷,冲向卫生间.结果还是只能等到考试时间到才可以离开教室.
我觉得我快憋死在当场了.
昨晚,嗯,现在来讲应该是前晚,在家睡前去卫生间,
结果看见一只硕肥无比的老鼠挂在纱窗和玻璃窗之前.
作为一个两次被老鼠吓到不敢嘘嘘的人,除了情何以堪,我真的无话可说.
我觉得我是天生生理性&不可克服的对老鼠感到无比恶心以至于万分恐惧.
鉴于前晚在我清醒时家里除了我,就只有我自己影子的情况,
父上昨天白天研究了下,发现那老鼠竟然在我家墙上开了个洞...
我说,那是砖头?水泥?钢筋混凝土?的吧....现在的老鼠都变异了么!
而且我家在六楼,这又是市区,为毛老鼠这么猖狂!当我家是空屋么!
谁能赐我捕鼠圣经....?
刚刚把屯在本子里很久的「Mary and Max」看掉了.
看到最后Max那满天花板裱好的信之后,眼泪哗哗的就下来了.
海报
tags:澳大利亚 粘土动画 友情
影评什么的现在完全写不出来,就PO些豆瓣上的comments来mark一下吧...
【comments for M&M】
亲爱的陌生人，我可以用一瓶眼泪和你交换巧克力热狗吗?
【sentences in the movie】
Love yourself first
God gave us our relatives, thank god we can choose our friends.
如果出租车倒着开,那么司机是不是该给我们钱呢?
我脸上不笑,但不代表我脑里不笑.
【letters between Mary and Max】
��--Dear Mr. M. Horowitz,
My name is Mary Daisy Dinkle and I am 8 years old, 3 months and 9 days. My favorite color is brown and my favorite food is sweet condensed milk followed closely by chocolate. I have a rooster called Ethel that looks like this. He doesn’t lay eggs but will one day. My mother likes smoking, cricket and sherry and my father likes playing in his shed with dead birds.
Where do babies come from in America? Do they come from cola cans? In Australia they are found in beer glasses. Here is a drawing of me. I can’t draw ears proper but I’m good at teeth.
It would be great if you could write back and be my friend.
Yours,
Sincerely, Mary Daisy Dinkle
PS. I hope you like the chocolate bar. I’m also sending. It’s called a Cherry Ripe.
壹--Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
Thank you for the letter, which I opened and read at 9:17 p.m. after my Overeaters Anonymous class. I am trying to lose weight because my psychiatrist, Dr Bernard Hazelhof says a healthy body equals a healthy mind. He says my mind is not that healthy. Your drawing is an interesting visual portrayal of yourself. I have never met anyone from Australia.
Firstly, I will answer your question. Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans. I asked my mother when I was four and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis. If you aren’t Jewish, they’re laid by Catholic nuns. If you’re an atheist, they’re laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes. So this is where babies come from in America.
I share my home with a fish, some snails, whom I have named after famous scientists…a parakeet called Mr. Biscuit and, finally, a cat called Hal. 'Hal' is an abbreviation for halitosis, from which he suffers. He followed me home after a gang of children shot his eye out with a beebee gun. Do you have a pet kangaroo?
When I was born, my father left my mother and me on a kibbutz. She shot herself with my uncle's gun when I was six.
Do you like chocolate hotdogs? I invented the recipe for them and can send it to you. When I was young, I invented an invisible friend called Mr. Ravioli. My psychiatrist says I don't need him anymore so he just sits in the corner and reads.
Last week I picked up 128 cigarette butts. People are always littering in New York. I do not understand why people break laws. Butts are bad because they wash out to sea and fish smoke them and become nicotine dependent. I am just joking because, of course, it is impossible for a cigarette to remain lit underwater. Also, fish do not have pockets to keep cigarette lighters in.
I am 44 years old and have 8 tracksuits the same color and size. I weigh 352 pounds…and am as tall as a 6-foot tree. I enjoy entering the lottery and have chosen the same numbers for 9 years. Those numbers are 3…5…6…9…11…and 12. I have had many different jobs during my life. My first job was collecting subway tokens in the subway. My second job was at Yiddel's Gourmet Kosher Supplies where I worked at the machine that made pre-packaged noodle kugels. I was born Jewish and used to believe in God but I've since read many books that have proven God is just a figment of my imagination. People like to believe in God because it answers complicated questions like where did the universe come from, do worms go to heaven.....and why do old ladies have blue hair? Even though I'm an atheist, I still wear my yarmulke as it keeps my brain warm. My third job was for a company that printed logos on novelty items. I worked at the frisbee printing machine. A frisbee is a circular plastic disc that people throw at each other. It is like a boomerang but it does not come back. My fourth job was when I was called up for jury duty. I didn't get paid much but got free cookies and coffee. Jurors are outstanding members of the community who haven't murdered anybody. I made it to the short list for a trial where a man killed all his friends at his own surprise birthday party. Unfortunately, I didn't get selected because they found out I'd been a mental patient at one point.
Have you ever been hang gliding? My fifth job was as a garbage collector. I got to clean up after litterbugs and didn't have to talk to anybody. Sometimes I used to pretend I was an intergalactical robot. One time the police took me in for questioning but let me go when they decided I wasn't a threat to anybody except myself. The sixth job I had was for the United States Army in the stationery supply department. Because I am good with numbers I had to work out how many ballpoint pens the Army needed. One day they did a security check and asked whether I was a member of any radical groups. I told them I was a member of the New York Science Fiction Fan Club. They said this didn't count but dismissed me anyway. Fortunately, I did not remember to tell them I was once a communist. Have you ever been a communist?
Have you ever been attacked by a crow or similar large bird? When I was 9, a crow attacked me on my way to school. I had to have three stitches and in spring I now wear a helmet with eyes I have painted on. People laugh at me when I wear my helmet. I'm not sure why. People often confuse me but I try not to let them worry me.
New York is a very busy and noisy place. I would prefer to live somewhere much quieter like the moon. I don't like crowds, bright lights, sudden noises or strong smells. New York has all these especially the smells. I often wear nose and ear plugs when I go outside. It helps keep me calm. I find humans interesting but I have trouble understanding them.
I think, however, I will understand and trust you. You appear very happy and I think you would smell like a shrimp as I know Australia has a lot of shrimps.
Can you speed-read? I have taught myself to read two pages at once - one eyeball per page.
I have to go now even though I have not told you about my 7th job, in a condom factory.
Write back soon. Your American friend,
Max Jerry Horowitz
PS. Please find enclosed a photo from one of those booths.
PPS. Thank you for the Cherry Ripe and I am glad you like chocolate as much as I do. I have never eaten sweetened condensed milk but I will try some this week.
PPPS. I have never used a condom.
��--Dear Max,
I’m so excited you’ve wroted back. I don’t think my parents like you so from now on send stuff to my neighbor Len Hislop at 26 Lamington Drive, Mt Waverley. He’s old with no legs. They got chewed off in World War �� when some Japanese peoples kept him in a cage above piranhas. Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth. He’s scared of outside, which is a disease called homophobia. He’s started giving me 50 cents a week to get his mail. I’m saving to buy a castle in Scotland and marry a man called Earl Grey.
Do you get’s the Noblets’ in America? Well, my favorite Noblet is Vanity Noblet. He wants to be everyone’s friend, even the boys’! In your letter, you said you had no friends. Well, neither do I. yesterday at school, Bernie Clifford weed on my spam sandwich and called me poo face cause of my birthmark. I wish I could peel it off like a bandaid. He also laughed cause I had no buttons. Ethel pecked them off and mum couldn’t thread a needle cause she’d been testing the sherry, so she used pegs instead. When I got home, I climbed into my secret place till dinner time.
The other kids also laugh at my haircut. Dad has to cut my hair because mum says real hairdressers sell your hair to Chinamen who stuff mattresses. My teacher, Mrs. Pendergast, says I should smile more. I told my mum and so she drawed a big smile on me. I don’t think Mrs. Pendergast likes me anymore.
I better go now. My tears are smudgling my words.
Your friend in Australia,
Mary Daisy Dinkle.
PS. Have you ever been teased? Can you help me?
PSS. I’ve never been hang gliding before or been a communist but would love a frisbee and your recipe for chocolate hotdogs.
PSSS. I’m sending you some Australian chocolate, a pompom I made and a cake called a lamington, which I was meant to eat for lunch.
贰--Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
Thank you for your letter, chocolate bar, lamington and pompom. The chocolate got crushed, so I blended the bits with milk and ice-cream and now I am drinking it right now.
After much thought, I think I have a solution to your teasing. Tell Bernie Clifford your birthmark is made of chocolate, which means when you get to the heaven you will be in charge of all the chocolate. This of course is a lie. I do not like lies but in this case I think it will be of benefit. I wish I could be in charge of all the chocolate, but, of course, I cannot because of my atheism.
My neighbor Ivy is also an atheist. She doesn’t talk much but makes me very good soup on Sunday nights. She is partly blind and sometimes I find her hair in my soup. I do not tell her as Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says this would be impolite.
Here is a list of what I eat on the other nights. Mondays- Glicks Potato Knish, Tuesdays- Yiddels Noodle Kugel, Wednesdays- Captain Salty’s Fishstix, Thursdays- Yentls Cheezy Blintz and Fridays- chicken nuggets. On Saturday nights I create my own recipes. Last week I invented canned spaghetti hamburgers. Recipes are like mathematical equations. Dr. Bernard Hazelhof told me you should never weigh more than your refrigerator and to never eat anything bigger than your head. I once ate a watermelon bigger than my head but not all at once. Do you have any weight loss suggestions? My Overeaters Anonymous meetings don’t seem to be working and just make me tense.
It would be good if there was a Fat Fairy. She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy but would suck out your fat.
Ivy says she is only a ‘little bit’ blind but I think she is very blind. She should get a cane like other vision-impaired people. She could make the end pointy and collect rubbish at the same time. I think I will write a letter to the Mayor and suggest this. He will be very impressed. Ivy says she doesn’t need a cane because she has a good sense of smell. She says she could find me with her eyes stapled shut. She says I smell like liquorice and old books. I think she smells like cough medicine and urine. I have never told her this as Dr. Bernard Hazelhof said this would also be impolite.
People often think I am tactless and rude. I cannot understand how being honest can be… improper. Maybe this is why I don’t have any friends of course except for you. A real friend has been one of my three goals in life. The other two are to own every Noblet and a lifetime supply of chocolate. Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says it is good to have goals but not stupid ones like mine.
I have now run out of things to tell you.
Please, write soon.
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. Do not worry about not smiling. My mouth hardly ever smiles but it does not mean I am not smiling inside my brain.
PPS. Please find enclosed a frisbee, some chocolate pop rocks, which you should eat with cola, and an illustration of a turtle from one of my National Geographics.
PPPS. Did you know that turtles can breathe through their anuses?
��--Dear Max,
When I told Bernie Clifford I’ll be in charge of all the chocolate in heaven and he wouldn’t get any, he cried. I also hided some dog’s poo in his bit of the sandpit.
Your advice was great and I’ve got a job delivering pamphlets so I can save to come and see you.
I am sad to hear you are fat. Mum says I am fat too and I’m growing up to be a heifer, which I think is a type of cow. Maybe you should only eat things beginning with the letter of each day. On Mondays you could only eat milkshakes, marshmallows and…mustard. For my birthday, my mum baked a cake and dad gave me a camera. I hope you like the photos I sent. The first one is of Ethel, who ate some tinsel. The next one is one of myself after ate the Chocolate Pop Rocks with the cola, like you said. Next is Len. He’s still trying hard not to be afraid of outside and conquer his homophobia. The next one is of dad in his shed, and then one of the times I covered mum while she was asleep in her stickers that help her stop smoking. Next, when I got my slinky caught in my hair. Then one of the times Sonny digged up his wife, Cher. And, finally, a photo of my other neighbor Damian Popodopolous. He’s a Greek and smells like lemon dishwashing liquid and his skin is smooth, like the back of a spoon. Mum says he’s a wog and has a stutter and can’t even say his own surname. She says you have to hit him on the back of the head to get his words out.
I wish he was my boyfriend and we can be in love and do sexing like Katherine Ramsay told me behind the bike shed. She said it’s when two people go nuddy and rub on each other to make babies. I told her she’s a liar and would go to hell and burn like toast cause babies really come from beer glasses and eggs laid by rabbits and nuns and prosti-tubes. She said ladies get knocked up and bake babies in their stomachs for 2 years till they spurt out their vag-eye-ners with blood and tinned spaghetti.
Have you got a girlfriend, Max, or some wives? Have you done sexing? Valentine’s Day is soon and I want to give Damian a present so he can love me. Can you explain love and how I can be loved?
…
叁--Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
There is something I have to tell you which will explain why I have not written. Each time I received one of your letters, I had a serve anxiety attack. This is because recently, while I was in a mental institution, they diagnosed that I have a new thing called Asperger’s syndrome, which is a neurobiological, pervasive, developmental disability. I prefer ‘Aspie’ for short. I will now list some of the traits of an Aspie. No.1- I find the world very confusing and chaotic because my mind is very literal and logical. 2- I have trouble understanding the expressions on people’s faces. When I was younger, I made a book to help me when I was confused. I still have trouble with some people. Ivy was hard to understand because of her wrinkles and because her eyebrows weren’t real. 3- I have bad handwriting, and hypersensitive…clumsy and can get very concerned. 4- I like solving problems. Ivy said this is a good thing. And finally No. 5- I have trouble expressing my emotions.
Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says my brain is defective but one day there will be a cure for my disability. I do not like it when he says this. I do not feel disabled, defective or I need to be cured. I like being an Aspie. It would be like trying to change the color of my eyes. There is one thing I wish I could change, however. I wish I could cry properly. I squeeze and squeeze but nothing…comes out. I cry when I cut onions but this does not count.
Anyway, do you like the word ‘cumquat’? it is a type of fruit. Do you have a favorite sounding word? My top 5 are ointment, bumblebee, Vladivostok, banana and testicle. I have also invented some new words- ‘confuzzled’, which is being confused and puzzled at the same time, ‘snirt’, which is a cross between snow and dirt and ‘smushables’… which are squashed groceries you find at the bottom of the bag. I have sent a letter to the Oxford Dictionary people asking them to in clued my words but I have not heard back.
It is now time for me to go to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting. There is a woman there called Marjorie Buttersworth who confuzzled me. She kisses me without my permission so tonight I have decided to rub onions under my armpits to repel her.
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. Please find enclosed some chocolate-covered ants I found at the deli.
PPS. Not much has happened since I last wrote except for my manslaughter charges, lotto win and Ivy’s death.
��--Dear Max,
I have been such a idiot. I’ve wasted all my money on something pointless when I should have been saving to see you. I know love upsets you so I won’t go on about it. All I want to say is that love is obviously not for me. I hope you are well and enjoy the chocolate cigarettes I’ve enclosed.
Love Mary.
��--Dear Max,
Our wedding day was everything I have ever dreamt, making up for the terrible year I’ve had. Although all the guests were Damian’s family and friends, I felt very welcome.
Damian is so perfect. He even made my wedding dress. And for our honeymoon he took me to Mykonos his favorite island in Greece. I got to ride a donkey and found the perfect gift for Len. Poor Len, he’s still struggling with his agoraphobia. Damian and I are so similar. He even has his own pen-friend, who lives on a sheep farm in New Zealand.
��--Dear Max,
I am very proud to give you the very first copy of my book about your disability and the hopes that we have to one day cure it. Even more exciting is that I am finally coming to meet and celebrate with you in one week’s time. I’m also going to give you half the royalties.
Your loving friend,
Mary.
PS. Please find enclosed some chocolate-coated Swiss almonds.
肆--Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
I cannot express myself very clearly at this moment and so I will list my emotions in the order they feel most intense- hurt, confuzzledness, betrayal, discomfort, distress and wheeziness. This last one is not real an emotion but I thought you should know about it anyway. (未寄出)
伍--Dear Mary,
Please find enclosed my entire Noblet collection as a sign that I forgive you. When I received your book, the emotions inside my brain felt like they were in a trumble dryer, smashing into each other. The hurt felt like when i accidentally stapled my lips together, the reason I forgive you is because you are not perfect. You are imperfect, and so am I. All humans are imperfect, even the man outside my apartment who litters. When I was young, I wanted to be anybody but myself. Dr Bernard Hazelhof said I was on a desert island then I would have to get used to my own company, just me and the coconuts. He said I would have to accept myself, my warts and all, and that we don't get to choose our warts. They are a part of us and we have to live with them, we can, however, choose our friends and I am glad I have chosen you. Dr Bernard also said, that everyone's lives are like a very long sidewalk.
Some are well paved, others, like mine, have cracks, banana skins and cigarette butts. Your sidewalk is like mine but probably not as many cracks. Hopefully, one day our sidewalks will meet and we can share a can of condensed milk. You are my best friend. You are my only friend.
Your American penpal,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. I have recently found the perfect job with a survey company. All I have to do is eat things and tick boxes.
关于电影的以上.
今天又把中学时候开始听的Maximilian Hecker给翻出来听了.
所以,对不住只在BO上挂了一天BGM的Beatles大叔们了.换新BGM= v =
虽然我想减肥,但是我不想得厌食症.我想要自己健健康康.至少看起来要是.
昨天下午去CET-6,在家里准备来准备去,结果还是忘了带手表.室友无语了.
考试之前明明有去卫生间,可是听力开始的时候就又开始想去嘘嘘.
从那之后满心想着早点写完交卷,冲向卫生间.结果还是只能等到考试时间到才可以离开教室.
我觉得我快憋死在当场了.
昨晚,嗯,现在来讲应该是前晚,在家睡前去卫生间,
结果看见一只硕肥无比的老鼠挂在纱窗和玻璃窗之前.
作为一个两次被老鼠吓到不敢嘘嘘的人,除了情何以堪,我真的无话可说.
我觉得我是天生生理性&不可克服的对老鼠感到无比恶心以至于万分恐惧.
鉴于前晚在我清醒时家里除了我,就只有我自己影子的情况,
父上昨天白天研究了下,发现那老鼠竟然在我家墙上开了个洞...
我说,那是砖头?水泥?钢筋混凝土?的吧....现在的老鼠都变异了么!
而且我家在六楼,这又是市区,为毛老鼠这么猖狂!当我家是空屋么!
谁能赐我捕鼠圣经....?
刚刚把屯在本子里很久的「Mary and Max」看掉了.
看到最后Max那满天花板裱好的信之后,眼泪哗哗的就下来了.
海报
tags:澳大利亚 粘土动画 友情
影评什么的现在完全写不出来,就PO些豆瓣上的comments来mark一下吧...
【comments for M&M】
亲爱的陌生人，我可以用一瓶眼泪和你交换巧克力热狗吗?
【sentences in the movie】
Love yourself first
God gave us our relatives, thank god we can choose our friends.
如果出租车倒着开,那么司机是不是该给我们钱呢?
我脸上不笑,但不代表我脑里不笑.
【letters between Mary and Max】
��--Dear Mr. M. Horowitz,
My name is Mary Daisy Dinkle and I am 8 years old, 3 months and 9 days. My favorite color is brown and my favorite food is sweet condensed milk followed closely by chocolate. I have a rooster called Ethel that looks like this. He doesn’t lay eggs but will one day. My mother likes smoking, cricket and sherry and my father likes playing in his shed with dead birds.
Where do babies come from in America? Do they come from cola cans? In Australia they are found in beer glasses. Here is a drawing of me. I can’t draw ears proper but I’m good at teeth.
It would be great if you could write back and be my friend.
Yours,
Sincerely, Mary Daisy Dinkle
PS. I hope you like the chocolate bar. I’m also sending. It’s called a Cherry Ripe.
壹--Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
Thank you for the letter, which I opened and read at 9:17 p.m. after my Overeaters Anonymous class. I am trying to lose weight because my psychiatrist, Dr Bernard Hazelhof says a healthy body equals a healthy mind. He says my mind is not that healthy. Your drawing is an interesting visual portrayal of yourself. I have never met anyone from Australia.
Firstly, I will answer your question. Unfortunately, in America, babies are not found in cola cans. I asked my mother when I was four and she said they came from eggs laid by rabbis. If you aren’t Jewish, they’re laid by Catholic nuns. If you’re an atheist, they’re laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes. So this is where babies come from in America.
I share my home with a fish, some snails, whom I have named after famous scientists…a parakeet called Mr. Biscuit and, finally, a cat called Hal. 'Hal' is an abbreviation for halitosis, from which he suffers. He followed me home after a gang of children shot his eye out with a beebee gun. Do you have a pet kangaroo?
When I was born, my father left my mother and me on a kibbutz. She shot herself with my uncle's gun when I was six.
Do you like chocolate hotdogs? I invented the recipe for them and can send it to you. When I was young, I invented an invisible friend called Mr. Ravioli. My psychiatrist says I don't need him anymore so he just sits in the corner and reads.
Last week I picked up 128 cigarette butts. People are always littering in New York. I do not understand why people break laws. Butts are bad because they wash out to sea and fish smoke them and become nicotine dependent. I am just joking because, of course, it is impossible for a cigarette to remain lit underwater. Also, fish do not have pockets to keep cigarette lighters in.
I am 44 years old and have 8 tracksuits the same color and size. I weigh 352 pounds…and am as tall as a 6-foot tree. I enjoy entering the lottery and have chosen the same numbers for 9 years. Those numbers are 3…5…6…9…11…and 12. I have had many different jobs during my life. My first job was collecting subway tokens in the subway. My second job was at Yiddel's Gourmet Kosher Supplies where I worked at the machine that made pre-packaged noodle kugels. I was born Jewish and used to believe in God but I've since read many books that have proven God is just a figment of my imagination. People like to believe in God because it answers complicated questions like where did the universe come from, do worms go to heaven.....and why do old ladies have blue hair? Even though I'm an atheist, I still wear my yarmulke as it keeps my brain warm. My third job was for a company that printed logos on novelty items. I worked at the frisbee printing machine. A frisbee is a circular plastic disc that people throw at each other. It is like a boomerang but it does not come back. My fourth job was when I was called up for jury duty. I didn't get paid much but got free cookies and coffee. Jurors are outstanding members of the community who haven't murdered anybody. I made it to the short list for a trial where a man killed all his friends at his own surprise birthday party. Unfortunately, I didn't get selected because they found out I'd been a mental patient at one point.
Have you ever been hang gliding? My fifth job was as a garbage collector. I got to clean up after litterbugs and didn't have to talk to anybody. Sometimes I used to pretend I was an intergalactical robot. One time the police took me in for questioning but let me go when they decided I wasn't a threat to anybody except myself. The sixth job I had was for the United States Army in the stationery supply department. Because I am good with numbers I had to work out how many ballpoint pens the Army needed. One day they did a security check and asked whether I was a member of any radical groups. I told them I was a member of the New York Science Fiction Fan Club. They said this didn't count but dismissed me anyway. Fortunately, I did not remember to tell them I was once a communist. Have you ever been a communist?
Have you ever been attacked by a crow or similar large bird? When I was 9, a crow attacked me on my way to school. I had to have three stitches and in spring I now wear a helmet with eyes I have painted on. People laugh at me when I wear my helmet. I'm not sure why. People often confuse me but I try not to let them worry me.
New York is a very busy and noisy place. I would prefer to live somewhere much quieter like the moon. I don't like crowds, bright lights, sudden noises or strong smells. New York has all these especially the smells. I often wear nose and ear plugs when I go outside. It helps keep me calm. I find humans interesting but I have trouble understanding them.
I think, however, I will understand and trust you. You appear very happy and I think you would smell like a shrimp as I know Australia has a lot of shrimps.
Can you speed-read? I have taught myself to read two pages at once - one eyeball per page.
I have to go now even though I have not told you about my 7th job, in a condom factory.
Write back soon. Your American friend,
Max Jerry Horowitz
PS. Please find enclosed a photo from one of those booths.
PPS. Thank you for the Cherry Ripe and I am glad you like chocolate as much as I do. I have never eaten sweetened condensed milk but I will try some this week.
PPPS. I have never used a condom.
��--Dear Max,
I’m so excited you’ve wroted back. I don’t think my parents like you so from now on send stuff to my neighbor Len Hislop at 26 Lamington Drive, Mt Waverley. He’s old with no legs. They got chewed off in World War �� when some Japanese peoples kept him in a cage above piranhas. Piranhas are goldfish that have teeth. He’s scared of outside, which is a disease called homophobia. He’s started giving me 50 cents a week to get his mail. I’m saving to buy a castle in Scotland and marry a man called Earl Grey.
Do you get’s the Noblets’ in America? Well, my favorite Noblet is Vanity Noblet. He wants to be everyone’s friend, even the boys’! In your letter, you said you had no friends. Well, neither do I. yesterday at school, Bernie Clifford weed on my spam sandwich and called me poo face cause of my birthmark. I wish I could peel it off like a bandaid. He also laughed cause I had no buttons. Ethel pecked them off and mum couldn’t thread a needle cause she’d been testing the sherry, so she used pegs instead. When I got home, I climbed into my secret place till dinner time.
The other kids also laugh at my haircut. Dad has to cut my hair because mum says real hairdressers sell your hair to Chinamen who stuff mattresses. My teacher, Mrs. Pendergast, says I should smile more. I told my mum and so she drawed a big smile on me. I don’t think Mrs. Pendergast likes me anymore.
I better go now. My tears are smudgling my words.
Your friend in Australia,
Mary Daisy Dinkle.
PS. Have you ever been teased? Can you help me?
PSS. I’ve never been hang gliding before or been a communist but would love a frisbee and your recipe for chocolate hotdogs.
PSSS. I’m sending you some Australian chocolate, a pompom I made and a cake called a lamington, which I was meant to eat for lunch.
贰--Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
Thank you for your letter, chocolate bar, lamington and pompom. The chocolate got crushed, so I blended the bits with milk and ice-cream and now I am drinking it right now.
After much thought, I think I have a solution to your teasing. Tell Bernie Clifford your birthmark is made of chocolate, which means when you get to the heaven you will be in charge of all the chocolate. This of course is a lie. I do not like lies but in this case I think it will be of benefit. I wish I could be in charge of all the chocolate, but, of course, I cannot because of my atheism.
My neighbor Ivy is also an atheist. She doesn’t talk much but makes me very good soup on Sunday nights. She is partly blind and sometimes I find her hair in my soup. I do not tell her as Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says this would be impolite.
Here is a list of what I eat on the other nights. Mondays- Glicks Potato Knish, Tuesdays- Yiddels Noodle Kugel, Wednesdays- Captain Salty’s Fishstix, Thursdays- Yentls Cheezy Blintz and Fridays- chicken nuggets. On Saturday nights I create my own recipes. Last week I invented canned spaghetti hamburgers. Recipes are like mathematical equations. Dr. Bernard Hazelhof told me you should never weigh more than your refrigerator and to never eat anything bigger than your head. I once ate a watermelon bigger than my head but not all at once. Do you have any weight loss suggestions? My Overeaters Anonymous meetings don’t seem to be working and just make me tense.
It would be good if there was a Fat Fairy. She would be a bit like the Tooth Fairy but would suck out your fat.
Ivy says she is only a ‘little bit’ blind but I think she is very blind. She should get a cane like other vision-impaired people. She could make the end pointy and collect rubbish at the same time. I think I will write a letter to the Mayor and suggest this. He will be very impressed. Ivy says she doesn’t need a cane because she has a good sense of smell. She says she could find me with her eyes stapled shut. She says I smell like liquorice and old books. I think she smells like cough medicine and urine. I have never told her this as Dr. Bernard Hazelhof said this would also be impolite.
People often think I am tactless and rude. I cannot understand how being honest can be… improper. Maybe this is why I don’t have any friends of course except for you. A real friend has been one of my three goals in life. The other two are to own every Noblet and a lifetime supply of chocolate. Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says it is good to have goals but not stupid ones like mine.
I have now run out of things to tell you.
Please, write soon.
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. Do not worry about not smiling. My mouth hardly ever smiles but it does not mean I am not smiling inside my brain.
PPS. Please find enclosed a frisbee, some chocolate pop rocks, which you should eat with cola, and an illustration of a turtle from one of my National Geographics.
PPPS. Did you know that turtles can breathe through their anuses?
��--Dear Max,
When I told Bernie Clifford I’ll be in charge of all the chocolate in heaven and he wouldn’t get any, he cried. I also hided some dog’s poo in his bit of the sandpit.
Your advice was great and I’ve got a job delivering pamphlets so I can save to come and see you.
I am sad to hear you are fat. Mum says I am fat too and I’m growing up to be a heifer, which I think is a type of cow. Maybe you should only eat things beginning with the letter of each day. On Mondays you could only eat milkshakes, marshmallows and…mustard. For my birthday, my mum baked a cake and dad gave me a camera. I hope you like the photos I sent. The first one is of Ethel, who ate some tinsel. The next one is one of myself after ate the Chocolate Pop Rocks with the cola, like you said. Next is Len. He’s still trying hard not to be afraid of outside and conquer his homophobia. The next one is of dad in his shed, and then one of the times I covered mum while she was asleep in her stickers that help her stop smoking. Next, when I got my slinky caught in my hair. Then one of the times Sonny digged up his wife, Cher. And, finally, a photo of my other neighbor Damian Popodopolous. He’s a Greek and smells like lemon dishwashing liquid and his skin is smooth, like the back of a spoon. Mum says he’s a wog and has a stutter and can’t even say his own surname. She says you have to hit him on the back of the head to get his words out.
I wish he was my boyfriend and we can be in love and do sexing like Katherine Ramsay told me behind the bike shed. She said it’s when two people go nuddy and rub on each other to make babies. I told her she’s a liar and would go to hell and burn like toast cause babies really come from beer glasses and eggs laid by rabbits and nuns and prosti-tubes. She said ladies get knocked up and bake babies in their stomachs for 2 years till they spurt out their vag-eye-ners with blood and tinned spaghetti.
Have you got a girlfriend, Max, or some wives? Have you done sexing? Valentine’s Day is soon and I want to give Damian a present so he can love me. Can you explain love and how I can be loved?
…
叁--Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
There is something I have to tell you which will explain why I have not written. Each time I received one of your letters, I had a serve anxiety attack. This is because recently, while I was in a mental institution, they diagnosed that I have a new thing called Asperger’s syndrome, which is a neurobiological, pervasive, developmental disability. I prefer ‘Aspie’ for short. I will now list some of the traits of an Aspie. No.1- I find the world very confusing and chaotic because my mind is very literal and logical. 2- I have trouble understanding the expressions on people’s faces. When I was younger, I made a book to help me when I was confused. I still have trouble with some people. Ivy was hard to understand because of her wrinkles and because her eyebrows weren’t real. 3- I have bad handwriting, and hypersensitive…clumsy and can get very concerned. 4- I like solving problems. Ivy said this is a good thing. And finally No. 5- I have trouble expressing my emotions.
Dr. Bernard Hazelhof says my brain is defective but one day there will be a cure for my disability. I do not like it when he says this. I do not feel disabled, defective or I need to be cured. I like being an Aspie. It would be like trying to change the color of my eyes. There is one thing I wish I could change, however. I wish I could cry properly. I squeeze and squeeze but nothing…comes out. I cry when I cut onions but this does not count.
Anyway, do you like the word ‘cumquat’? it is a type of fruit. Do you have a favorite sounding word? My top 5 are ointment, bumblebee, Vladivostok, banana and testicle. I have also invented some new words- ‘confuzzled’, which is being confused and puzzled at the same time, ‘snirt’, which is a cross between snow and dirt and ‘smushables’… which are squashed groceries you find at the bottom of the bag. I have sent a letter to the Oxford Dictionary people asking them to in clued my words but I have not heard back.
It is now time for me to go to my Overeaters Anonymous meeting. There is a woman there called Marjorie Buttersworth who confuzzled me. She kisses me without my permission so tonight I have decided to rub onions under my armpits to repel her.
Your friend in America,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. Please find enclosed some chocolate-covered ants I found at the deli.
PPS. Not much has happened since I last wrote except for my manslaughter charges, lotto win and Ivy’s death.
��--Dear Max,
I have been such a idiot. I’ve wasted all my money on something pointless when I should have been saving to see you. I know love upsets you so I won’t go on about it. All I want to say is that love is obviously not for me. I hope you are well and enjoy the chocolate cigarettes I’ve enclosed.
Love Mary.
��--Dear Max,
Our wedding day was everything I have ever dreamt, making up for the terrible year I’ve had. Although all the guests were Damian’s family and friends, I felt very welcome.
Damian is so perfect. He even made my wedding dress. And for our honeymoon he took me to Mykonos his favorite island in Greece. I got to ride a donkey and found the perfect gift for Len. Poor Len, he’s still struggling with his agoraphobia. Damian and I are so similar. He even has his own pen-friend, who lives on a sheep farm in New Zealand.
��--Dear Max,
I am very proud to give you the very first copy of my book about your disability and the hopes that we have to one day cure it. Even more exciting is that I am finally coming to meet and celebrate with you in one week’s time. I’m also going to give you half the royalties.
Your loving friend,
Mary.
PS. Please find enclosed some chocolate-coated Swiss almonds.
肆--Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,
I cannot express myself very clearly at this moment and so I will list my emotions in the order they feel most intense- hurt, confuzzledness, betrayal, discomfort, distress and wheeziness. This last one is not real an emotion but I thought you should know about it anyway. (未寄出)
伍--Dear Mary,
Please find enclosed my entire Noblet collection as a sign that I forgive you. When I received your book, the emotions inside my brain felt like they were in a trumble dryer, smashing into each other. The hurt felt like when i accidentally stapled my lips together, the reason I forgive you is because you are not perfect. You are imperfect, and so am I. All humans are imperfect, even the man outside my apartment who litters. When I was young, I wanted to be anybody but myself. Dr Bernard Hazelhof said I was on a desert island then I would have to get used to my own company, just me and the coconuts. He said I would have to accept myself, my warts and all, and that we don't get to choose our warts. They are a part of us and we have to live with them, we can, however, choose our friends and I am glad I have chosen you. Dr Bernard also said, that everyone's lives are like a very long sidewalk.
Some are well paved, others, like mine, have cracks, banana skins and cigarette butts. Your sidewalk is like mine but probably not as many cracks. Hopefully, one day our sidewalks will meet and we can share a can of condensed milk. You are my best friend. You are my only friend.
Your American penpal,
Max Jerry Horowitz.
PS. I have recently found the perfect job with a survey company. All I have to do is eat things and tick boxes.
关于电影的以上.
今天又把中学时候开始听的Maximilian Hecker给翻出来听了.
所以,对不住只在BO上挂了一天BGM的Beatles大叔们了.换新BGM= v =
2009.12.20 Sun 02:04
Diary No.X+11 我疯了
中午没事拿着手机刷嘀娘的时候看见人家讲KT要上酥麻酥麻.
第一反应,湖绿的吧.虽然我一直以来的夙愿就是希望阿�彷�够上bistro.
但是那希望真的是渺茫得很啊....
但是还是不死心的发短信去问相方,结果竟然不是湖绿!
我那个开心啊!乐颠啊!就准备OA当天蹲在电脑前守着直播了.
我家的大小美人再度聚首了...我泪流啊!
阿��,自力更生找mail address好样的TvT
但是没高兴多久我就被轰了!
BT站关掉,VC也要关掉,所有能Download美剧英剧日剧电影专辑的途径都要被封锁.
请问,我可以去死一死么?!这是断我精神食粮啊!
详细见下帖↓↓↓
http://www.bbs.yx.js.cn/viewthread.php?tid=241742&page=1#pid3351169
此刻的心情就是....
我艹!我的那些美剧英剧还等不到我放假来补Download的计划实施就已经他娘的要胎死腹中了!!
问候你全家啊喂混蛋!老子的精神生活要空成臭氧空洞了!!从未像现在这样想要离开耀家!
果然就是应该离开啊!!!耀家如何留得住人....甜头在哪里啊你妹!
【积累的焦躁怨气一起爆发了/(ㄒoㄒ)/~~
兰酱说了一句话相当精辟的总结了当下的情况!↓
我【哔-】你妈的光奠总菊！【哔-】你妈的天朝正腐！
拿非洲的工资过欧洲的消费水平也就算了，还要享受朝鲜的互联网生活！
接受不了暴粗口各位请自动屏蔽,不发泄下我会疯= =+
好吧，我承认，虽然发泄了我也疯了...
把本子的主题,桌面dock,FF,Maxthon,QQ,MSN全都弄成了pink系!要多pink有多pink!
其实我从来都不控粉色,嘛嘛的程度而已.今天是彻底被轰脑残了....
上图上真相.
desktop点我
FF界面点我
Maxthon界面点我
在网上下了套卷子来做,发现U盘和移硬都没在身边,小P又被偷,完全没办法拿去打印.
只好等下次把U盘从学校拿回来才能去了.Orz
PS:Kimi的事shock到我了,现阶段恢复不过来..........
WRC....雪铁龙青年队.....我的神啊!!
第一反应,湖绿的吧.虽然我一直以来的夙愿就是希望阿�彷�够上bistro.
但是那希望真的是渺茫得很啊....
但是还是不死心的发短信去问相方,结果竟然不是湖绿!
我那个开心啊!乐颠啊!就准备OA当天蹲在电脑前守着直播了.
我家的大小美人再度聚首了...我泪流啊!
阿��,自力更生找mail address好样的TvT
但是没高兴多久我就被轰了!
BT站关掉,VC也要关掉,所有能Download美剧英剧日剧电影专辑的途径都要被封锁.
请问,我可以去死一死么?!这是断我精神食粮啊!
详细见下帖↓↓↓
http://www.bbs.yx.js.cn/viewthread.php?tid=241742&page=1#pid3351169
此刻的心情就是....
我艹!我的那些美剧英剧还等不到我放假来补Download的计划实施就已经他娘的要胎死腹中了!!
问候你全家啊喂混蛋!老子的精神生活要空成臭氧空洞了!!从未像现在这样想要离开耀家!
果然就是应该离开啊!!!耀家如何留得住人....甜头在哪里啊你妹!
【积累的焦躁怨气一起爆发了/(ㄒoㄒ)/~~
兰酱说了一句话相当精辟的总结了当下的情况!↓
我【哔-】你妈的光奠总菊！【哔-】你妈的天朝正腐！
拿非洲的工资过欧洲的消费水平也就算了，还要享受朝鲜的互联网生活！
接受不了暴粗口各位请自动屏蔽,不发泄下我会疯= =+
好吧，我承认，虽然发泄了我也疯了...
把本子的主题,桌面dock,FF,Maxthon,QQ,MSN全都弄成了pink系!要多pink有多pink!
其实我从来都不控粉色,嘛嘛的程度而已.今天是彻底被轰脑残了....
上图上真相.
desktop点我
FF界面点我
Maxthon界面点我
在网上下了套卷子来做,发现U盘和移硬都没在身边,小P又被偷,完全没办法拿去打印.
只好等下次把U盘从学校拿回来才能去了.Orz
PS:Kimi的事shock到我了,现阶段恢复不过来..........
WRC....雪铁龙青年队.....我的神啊!!
2009.12.08 Tue 19:30
